Michael S’s story

My name is Michael and I am again in that vicious fog, a Stephen King like mist of uncertainty of between diagnosis and surgery.

Many people, including myself, do not know what is worse, being told you are going to receive a colostomy or you are not going to make it.

I have always considered that rule No1, is, all farts are funny. It has dawned on me that I will never be able to fart again. I will miss out on dropping that silent one in the lift and look at everyone suspect everyone else; it is all over for me after surgery. Perhaps its God’s way of saving a great many that have suffered.

What I can tell you is while it is great to put on some weight during Chemo, especially that Folfox six or seven; if you put on too much weight, you may never get it off.

I have one of those most optimistic surgeons, he has told me that if I do not lose thirty kilos in thirty days, he will not be able to do a good job. I asked, ‘which women’s magazine publishes this diet.’

The best advice, could be, lean on the Bowel Care Nutritionist as much as possible during chemo, as like any other time, the key to good health is a good diet and exercise.

While I have an extremely rotund tummy, I do work out at the gym, and I have no subcutaneous fat around my pecs. This presents a problem. There is no stranger feeling than having a nurse push a port under your skin back into position as it slips and slides around your chest like Bambi on a frozen lake.

President Roosevelt once said, ‘there is nothing to fear but fear itself.’ Stupid man, I would much rather be scared of fear than of waking up without a bum hole.

While I do rely on gallows humour to get me through at the moment, it would be nice for someone to give me a hug and say, everything will be okay. Well, if that happened, I would become argumentative-pejorative and call BS.

As I approach surgery, I have had to learn a new term, one that does not talk in stages. EMVI – in the dictionary, they should just put a picture of a skull and cross bones.

So, fingers crossed and hope springs eternal in the human breast. Probably why they put the port there.

See you guys on the other side of surgery.

My one piece of advice:

If you’re taking Oxaliplatin as part of your chemo journey make sure that your gloves fit easily.
Buy yourself good sunglasses and more than one. If you have to go outside while on chemo, you can lose all your energy looking under couch cushions.

For after surgery, cauliflower and broccoli are kings and you do not fart as much as other veggies.

If you are in the public system, do not use the stupid thermometers the clinic nurse supplies, not matter how broke you are, buy a good one that does not leave you standing around forever waiting for a result, especially as you have to do this four times a day.

Bi-carb mouth wash works so well if used regularly.